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Noob Blogger’s Guide to Blogging for Fellow Noob Bloggers

May 21, 2009

This author has a few friends who have been wanting to blog, but have not got around to doing so as yet. Upon seeing the not-so-bad number of hits that this blog got as soon as the author started blogging, they started asking the author how he went about things. So here is a guide to those wannabe bloggers from a novice in the blogosphere.

Step 1: Join social networking sites like Facebook, Orkut, Myspace, etc.. If possible, join all of them.

Step 2: If on Orkut, go join communities which are very active and make friends there. Add all you school, college and work friends as well. Your list should have at least 400 people. On Facebook, add applications which have people addicted to it. The more the addicts, the better. In thousands, preferably. The author would suggest applications like iTNT, Fighters’ Club, Mafia, Friends For Sale, etc.. Make many friends there and add all the people you can. Make sure your list has at least 1000-1500 people.

Step 3: Talk! Yes, talk to as many people as you can. Might take months for you to get to know people well enough. But make sure you waste your time getting to know them. Remember, it is for the blog that you have not created yet! πŸ˜›

Step 4: Fight! Yeah, make enemies. When you start blogging, they will check your blog more often than your friends will. You call them stalkers or nosy creeps when they keep checking your profiles each day? You will stop complaining when they check out your blog every day. You get one hit from each of them daily! πŸ˜› So don’t hesitate before you make enemies in the virtual world. Your blog thrives on their encouragement. πŸ˜€

Step 5: Use every chat messenger that you know of. Remember, each chat messenger has a “status message” option. Your blogs name is almost always your status message once you start blogging. Stopped using that old gmail ID of yours on gtalk because you have a few hundred friends there who you don’t talk to anymore? Get back there! Your blog needs those old friends of yours.

Step 6: Create a blog.


Step 7: Write some post about all the friends you got to know through social networking sites. Make it funny, if you can. Make sure you please everyone.

Step 8: Don’t blindly follow step 7. Please only those who deserve to be pleased. If you have sworn enemies, make sure you insult them. Insulting them will get you not just their views, but views from their friends, friends-of-friends and sidekicks(seriously!) as well.

Step 9: Once you have come up with some post which will interest others, use your social networks. Add your blog link to your profile. Change your status and let it always have the link to your latest post. Spam the team/admin threads that you have(you better have some by now) on Facebook and threaten all your friends and make sure that they check out your blog. This part is called “being the pest.”

Step 10: Use all your chat messengers’ status messages to scream about your blog all the time. Keep updating status messages every few hours on Facebook and Orkut as well. People actually notice it! LOADS of them!

Step 12: Follow step 11. Wait a second, there is no step 11! Did you look below yet? The author has is his numbers all screwed up. Don’t trust a word that he says.

Step 11: Remember that numbers have nothing to do with words.

Step 14: Get in touch with all your own friends. Apologise for not having stayed in touch for ages. You deserve the abuses that you get anyway, just like the author deserves what he got from some friends.

Step 15: Did you see that step 13 was missing? It is because the author wants to prove that he believes in bad omen and is a saintly being. Stop laughing already! Even he doesn’t believe himself when he says that. But there are some who might fall for it. So a decent effort nevertheless.

Step 17: When you come up with a post, come up with a million tags for each of them. Anything and everything remotely connected(or totally unconnected) to your post can work as a tag. Some might say that this is a dumb thing to do, but it gets you a decent number of search hits. Check out the tags for this post if you want to get an idea. Actually, don’t. Some of the tags are pretty cheap.

Step 16: Add upcoming bloggers to your blogroll and a few famous ones as well. Make sure you comment on many blogs regularly. This part is called “arse kissing.” The author is against this practice and that is why he is still a spamming his arse off each day he posts something new. He will never learn. He has too big an ego, as confirmed by some of the people who hate him. But they keep checking his blog regularly, and that is good enough, right?

Step 18: Aren’t you tired of following all these steps already? You need to go get a life now! Not a blog!

Step 19: If you believe that you already have a life, and are still not interested in blogging, but are only here to read all this, you are still helping the author’s blog. So keep coming back for more! And stop complaining about the obvious attempts by the author to prove that his Math sucks.

Step 20: And before you decide to do anything else, make sure you check out this video and rate it with a 5 on 5. And favourite it as well. Post your comments too, actually. This step will not help your blog(if you have one, that is) but it will help a girl who has struggled hard to make the video in less than 24 hours. And she blogs too. You help her and she will help you with your blog(when you manage to follow the first 18 steps, that is). She promised to help! I will make sure that she does. I promise

Step 21: There is no step 21.

Step 22: Can there be a step 22 without a step 21? The author’s Math sucks. And he doesn’t stick to him promises either. So please ignore those bits. And also the bit where the author gave the link to Fathima’s video 6 times. Okay, now make that 7. And if you still haven’t seen the video, rated it with a 5/5 and commented on it, you SAK! Yes, SAK! Go do it NOW before the author uses WordPress’ IP tracer to come kick your butt in the virtual world.

If you have any other dumb suggestions to add to the lame ones the author already posted, please post them in the comments section. Lazy? SAKer! The comments section is HERE! Pfft!

24 Comments leave one →
  1. Kristin Jacobs Leis permalink
    May 21, 2009 1:45 AM

    Hahaha!!! Already rated her a five and ummm funny for a change *hides*

    • Adi permalink*
      May 21, 2009 1:47 AM

      Thanks a LOT, Kristin! My first few posts were funny. And then the elections happened. Ended on a disappointing note. So that affected my blog. Things are getting back to normal. So expect some entertainment soon enough.

      By the way, you could use most of the steps here, you know? πŸ˜›

  2. Bobb permalink
    May 21, 2009 1:48 AM

    Very interesting blog for a bored kid to read at 1.47 in the nite.. Keep em’ rolling.. πŸ˜›

    • Adi permalink*
      May 21, 2009 1:50 AM

      LOL! Nandhu, er, BOBB! πŸ˜› You take pride in that name, don’t you? Anyway, however much you hate reading blogs, you better come back for more soon. And do keep helping Fa with her video. Remember, 10 more days.

      • Bobb permalink
        May 21, 2009 2:09 AM

        Yes sir.. Do not fret for bobb is on the job..

  3. Adi permalink*
    May 21, 2009 3:17 AM

    LOL! As you say, BOBB! πŸ˜›

    P.S. For those who don’t know who/what BOBB is, he/it is “Bored Of Being Bored.”

  4. Sunshine permalink
    May 21, 2009 9:22 AM

    Cool… u really write this topic. thought u were kidding when we chatted

    • Adi permalink*
      May 21, 2009 1:03 PM

      Hahaha! I told you, Albert! I was not kidding about it. Anyway, these steps might sound kinda crazy to many people, but not to you. I am sure you can follow them very easily. Many friends, amazing spammer and a lot more. Start blogging! You will have your blog up and running in no time. Hehe! πŸ™‚

  5. iMastermind permalink
    May 21, 2009 1:05 PM

    hahaha xD this rocks πŸ˜€

    • Adi permalink*
      May 21, 2009 1:26 PM

      LOL! Jaxie! Post a longer comment from next time on. Thanks for this one, though. πŸ™‚

  6. Sunshine permalink
    May 21, 2009 1:22 PM

    It was good and what your so called steps, I have being doing. Bwahahaha.

    Please change your DP as it is so Poser and Pretty Boy…. Hehehehehe

    • Adi permalink*
      May 21, 2009 1:25 PM

      Hahaha! What else do you expect from a guy who models? People will obviously use some of their best pictures, right? But I guess I will change my picture soon. Will keep rotating it. Have way too many pictures, and many are nice. Thanks for the idea! πŸ˜€

      And yeah, I know that you have been following most of the steps already. The groundwork is ready in your case. You just need to start blogging and then follow it up with the rest of the stuff. Good luck with that. πŸ™‚

  7. nandini permalink
    May 21, 2009 3:36 PM

    You call ME mad? what are you? oh wait, i know.. mad and obsessed!!
    anyway. best of luck! (i dont really know for what, but i guess you might use it :P)

    • Adi permalink*
      May 21, 2009 3:42 PM

      LOL! Well, you really ARE crazy. Don’t try denying that. πŸ˜› Anyway, I told you my reasons for blogging. And yes, I am going to need loads of luck. Have a massive entrance exam coming up this Sunday and I have not prepared one bit. I am SO screwed. Banking on the luck factor now. Hehe!

      • nandini permalink
        May 21, 2009 5:01 PM

        LOL! crazy bit a am i guess i!!
        best the all!
        wtb, college journalism a into get to exam entrance an this is?

  8. Adi permalink*
    May 21, 2009 5:05 PM

    Hahahaha! Typically you, Nandini. And yes, it is indeed the entrance exam to Asian College of Journalism. Hoping for the best. Thanks for your wishes, by the way. πŸ™‚

    • nandini permalink
      May 22, 2009 5:53 PM

      Haha, i had to do SOMETHING crazy to maintain my shiny label!
      and you’re welcome.

  9. ramya permalink
    May 22, 2009 7:29 PM

    I also want to read your blogs n all…but poda, its soooper long and i usually dun like reading blogs..but see, me being the good girl I am, reading it and commenting also…this blog is interesting n all, but no, im not gonna blog.. πŸ™‚ lol..

    • Adi permalink*
      May 23, 2009 2:35 AM

      Hahahaha! Well, you are vetti, but make it seem like you are busy as hell. Just get here whenever you want to, read some of the posts which you feel like reading. But please, no vetti scene. πŸ˜› And yes, I know for a fact that you would never blog. So all cool. Just compensate for that by checking mine out and commenting every once in a while. πŸ˜€

  10. Nandhini permalink
    May 23, 2009 2:30 AM

    Hahahaha! It looks like some kind of an insane recipe. πŸ˜‰ The tags to the post were even more amusing than the post by itself. Nice guide! I sure hope you weren’t inspired by these steps when you decided to blog! πŸ˜› πŸ˜€

    • Adi permalink*
      May 23, 2009 2:56 AM

      LOL! And you know what? I actually got 4 hits because of those tags! WordPress searches, that is. “Naked,” “nude” and “xxx” doing the trick. LOL! And there are also people who get to my blog after searching for “Sarath babu girlfriend” on Google. I even found people looking for “Hot Chennai girls Sathyabama” on Google here. I wish I could tell them that Sathyabama does NOT have hot girls! LMFAO!

      Oh, and in response to your suggestion, no I was not inspired by these steps when I decided to blog. These are the steps that I found useful and they worked in my favour. And trust me, if any of my Facebook friends decided to blog, they would have already managed to accomplish half these steps. The difficult part, that is. So all they would have to do is start blogging and then follow the last bit. The easy part, that is. So yeah, some serious tips, but written using some sarcasm. But trust me when I tell you that it DOES help! A LOT! πŸ˜›

      • Nandhini permalink
        May 23, 2009 3:18 AM

        Errm just one question then. Have you considered seeking Fathima’s help with your blog? πŸ˜€ πŸ˜› That’s the last bit of the so-called become-a-successful-blogger-in-a-short-while algorithm. πŸ˜‰ And yeah, you don’t need any of this author’s sarcasm to help you on your way. You’ve got truck loads of it already in you! πŸ˜€

  11. Nandhini permalink
    May 23, 2009 4:46 AM

    This is ridiculous! Only after Adi tells me that this disaster recipe was his very own piece of creation, I’ve realized that this isn’t some anonymous article picked up from somewhere online. Lol.

    My mistake! I should’ve guessed it from the impeccable language. Adityaβ„’ πŸ˜€
    Cheers. Brilliant write-up! πŸ™‚
    I’ll try implementing these ideas when I start my blog some day. πŸ˜€ Who knows? It might work. πŸ˜‰ After all, it’s YOUR guide to blogging success. πŸ˜› Hehe!

  12. June 2, 2010 7:40 PM

    (Sorry, I know this post is old, but had to reply. I found your blog in an attempt to follow Step 16.)

    One more tip would be to join more blogger forums, and post the blog link, there. As much as you can. there are games like, ‘Comment on the person who posted above you.’ which are pretty useful in getting some much needed comments to salvage your ego.

    Also, when you make any post about cricket, post it’s link on all Cricket forums on orkut and facebook, etc. (You can think that you are not promoting your blog, but posting content.)

    If you make a post about a certain author, (say RK Narayan) then join all the FB, Orkut groups on him and spam it.

    Anyways, that should be enough to get a few hits.

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