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Holy (Fuck!) Matrimony Talks

December 27, 2011

‘You will anyway be married in the next year or two,’ my mom said.

It all started way back, I guess. Maybe, it just comes with being the older son in a Tamil Iyer family. My mom’s initial fears included my turning out to be a bad student, hence with no job, hence with little or no future, and hence dependent on her all my life. As I aspired and changed fields from Medicine to Biotechnology to Communication to (now) Marketing, my mom’s thoughts on the same fluctuated like a pendulum on cocaine.

Apart from a ruined career, she had several other fears. They ranged from my temper and lavish spending tendencies to the worst fear of every Iyer mom- my getting a Muslim girl home and demanding a wedding. Not that there is anything wrong with women following Islam, but Iyer parents just can’t take it. Nah. Never! I guess they just don’t want the gene pool to have better looks or physical strength. Or lose the IQ that makes Iyers proud. Or worse, (GOD!) have meat eaters at home!

At Diwali, I was asked to suggest matches for my cousin from amongst my Iyer friends. I laughed my arse off! I am NOT aiding an arranged marriage! No way in hell! But those of you ‘eligible’ Iyer guys out there who suddenly sat up, she has never lived in South India, and can talk as much Tamil as a (Seth-u) Marwadi in Sowkarpet can. Okay, not even that much. 😛

My mom and grandmom were upset. Their immediate fear- ‘are you going to go in for a love-u marriage?!’

Me: Of course!

Grandmom: So you have a girl friend now?!

Me: I wish.

Grandmom: Don’t lie!

Me: I wish I were lying. I don’t have one now. But don’t you worry, I will sometime soon. I will let you know before I get married. So how long do I have again?

Grandmom: Poda!

So now coming back to the line I started this post with. I was on the phone with my mom when she randomly tells me that I should be married in the next couple of years. I laughed my arse off. Told her that that was insane, and that it would never happen. So how do I get her to regret having the very thought?

‘So you want me to find myself a girl within a year and marry her soon after? Sure!’

The silence after that was a given. Followed by a change of topic. I vividly return patting my back and grinning ear-to-ear while continuing to drive down the highway back to Bangalore.

But for those of you women out there interested in making my mom’s dreams come true, you can send me your applications expressing your interest. I would have listed out my criteria and conditions, but then that will need a good half a dozen blog posts worth of lists. Feel to include as many pictures as you can, in as little clothing as you please. Might just improve your chances. Though I don’t guarantee ‘a hand’ in marriage… okay… let us not get that far.

You could use the comments section to express interest or abuse as well. 😛

19 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    December 27, 2011 10:57 PM

    Hey, Witty post! kai thattals for ‘they just don’t want the gene pool to have better looks’ , ‘love-u marriage?!’ Innum ethir paakrom unga kitta irunthu!

    • December 27, 2011 11:01 PM

      Thanks for the comment. 🙂 Will be nice if you posted your name/ID the next time as well, so I knew who was commending/abusing my posts. 😀 😛
      I think I do know who it is this time, though.

  2. December 27, 2011 11:00 PM

    Witty post man. spl kai thattals for ‘they just don’t want the gene pool to have better looks’ , ‘ a love-u marriage?!’ 😉

    Innum ethirpaakrom unga kitta irunthu!

    • December 28, 2011 10:16 AM

      Hehe! Thanks a lot, Karthick! Maybe a post about work life next? I don’t know. Let us see. 😛

  3. aniramzee permalink
    December 27, 2011 11:22 PM

    Congratulations. You are now a stereotypical Iyer. You

    1. Call Chennai your base and shuttle back and forth from the Iyer haven of Bangalore.
    2. Are from the new generation which opposes arranged marriage but will most likely find a girl who’s the type your parents would’ve found for you, and feel rebellious about doing so 😛
    3. You think matrimony sites are disgusting but are using an online medium to find prospective hands in marriage.
    Not that I’m too different. Iyer in America and near ditto 2 and 3. May the hypocrisy live on! 😀

  4. aniramzee permalink
    December 27, 2011 11:43 PM

    If you put a pendulum in cocaine the powder only retards the motion na. Even if you meant cocacola the viscosity of a liquid is much higher than that of air and it will move slowly. You mean to say youvar mother fluctuates slowly aa?

    • December 28, 2011 10:21 AM

      Poda naaye! 😛 But glad that you are bringing the mokkai back into our lives. Apart from a few other essential things, mokkai was too.

      ‘Youvar mother fluctuates slowly aa?’ Like really?! She is your mother too. So why don’t you tell me? 😛

      And you call me a sterotypical Iyer?! Despite all the memes that you just read last night, and created one by yourself?! Damn you! And you know how close I was to finding someone exactly like the one who parents would want. So let us not even get there. 😛 And after all this you actually make it seem like this post is an honest attempt at finding prospective matches? Wow! Mokkai? Poda maanga!

  5. December 28, 2011 12:01 AM

    Hahahaha! Good one! And maybe you could now religiously blog on the requirements, including the kind of nose,eyes, etc. 😛 Match finding will become easier. Bharath Matrimony?

    • December 28, 2011 10:24 AM

      See, the whole point of this post was to ensure that such things did not happen. The requirements will be put up, though. Yes. Will be fun. Will make me feel like a proud, chauvinistic and egoistic bum, and I can bask in its glory with the help of, and helping, more blog posts. 😀 No real matrimonial value needs to be attached to this exercise. 😛

  6. Aishwarya Kishore permalink
    December 28, 2011 12:08 AM

    ROFL! brilliant one! I was laughing for fully 10 minutes after reading this one. U’ve covered not only your mom’s fears, but mine ( and every other Iyer mom’s) too! It’d be a shame if u got married too early and ruin the hopes and dreams of a million other girls out there 😉 😉 So ensaai and get married after 5 years 😛

  7. December 28, 2011 10:42 AM

    LOL! You really do know what you are asking for here, don’t you? If I take 5 more years… Okay, let us not get there. And ruining the hopes and dreams of a million other girls out there it seems. Wah! Not even in my wildest dreams would I have thought such a thing possible. Even if the girls in question were all residents of Ayodhya Kuppam or something. But anyway, as long as there is hope, it is a good thing, I guess. Absolutely no hurry now. Just that it is fun to kill such budding thoughts in parents’ and grandparents’ minds, and then laugh about it with others.

  8. k.r.ramachandran permalink
    December 29, 2011 3:54 PM

    You are not only a manga madaiyan like every one says, you are also a pest for Amma and a drain on her purse for ever so many years.Hope atleast Ani does’nt trouble her the way you managed to. The zillion girls out there are lucky not to have got married to a bore -U

    • December 30, 2011 2:38 PM

      Hahahahahahaha! Funny for a dad to see his son put up such a post? So you cover it up by calling him a bore and point out the most glaring and threatening flaws that you see in him so that there are no real applicants who get back to him? Hahahaha! I am loving this!

  9. mom permalink
    January 2, 2012 9:55 PM

    adiiiiiiiiiiiii, you have written so much? i don’t know whether to laugh or to do what.

    • January 3, 2012 1:48 PM

      Ah well. Happens. And I think laughter would be nice. 😀

  10. Homepage permalink
    January 7, 2012 3:52 AM

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  11. Aishwarya Kishore permalink
    January 15, 2012 3:42 AM

    sorry 4 the late reply. 4got to check 😀 n ayodhya kuppam girls are no match 4 u (in terms of looks or swearing 😛 ) looks like ur dad is disappointed ! i think getting married to some random female is the final bombshell 😛 hey ill tell u this much! whatever uv been accused of, I;m sure ur not a bore 😛

    • January 15, 2012 2:01 PM

      Glad to hear that. Thanks! 😀 Hope my dad sees it too, and in due course of time changes his opinion. 😛

      Anyway, getting to some random ‘bombshell’ (and not just any female) is the ultimate plan. 😛 Hahahahahaha! See, parents can be disappointed in such cases. I shouldn’t be. My life, right? 😛 So there itself localities like Ayodhya Kuppam are eliminated.

  12. shruthi permalink
    January 28, 2012 9:05 PM

    so this cousin in question here,,,,,,
    should i be the one to show her this blog or are you doing the honors adi anna ?? 🙂
    and ur not getting married in a million years…….and never to a muslim,,,maybe a ganja girl.

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