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Bloody Human Chimneys of Death!

June 18, 2009

Now what could a guy possibly be talking about when he says “bloody human chimneys of death?” Any guesses? The one guessing it right wins a no-expense-paid trip to Somalia!

Well, I am talking about the faggots who smoke their arses off day in and day out, much to the annoyance of many a passive smoker. It is fine if you come across one or two such people each day as they can be easily avoided, but when every other person you meet each day is a smoker, it seriously starts to piss you off if you don’t want your lungs to be the cause of your death, for no fault of yours.

I have had a few conversations with my uncle, a doctor, about passive smoking. According to him, there is little than can be done to set the damage right. So it makes sense to go on a holiday to some hill station every few months, as that trip might act as an elixir, with a lot of fresh, clean air. And that is exactly what I thought I would experience before I set off to Ooty(a hill station) along with my gym friends. About 35 of us on the whole. Did I have an awesome time there? Well, sort of. But it would have been MUCH better if I did not have to put up with drunkards and “bloody human chimneys of death” ALL the time.

Sharing a cottage with 6 other guys is not that bad. Each cottage was big enough to house about 6-8 people and so that was not an issue. The fact that about 25 of the 35 guys were drunk for the best part of the 3 days was also not an issue for me. What WAS an issue was that over half the guys had to keep smoking ALL the time. Here are some of the excuses that some of the smokers come up with each time they pick up a cigarette:

Fag 1: On waking up; I need a fag to get my day started. It acts like a hot cuppa early in the morning.

Fag 2: I can’t take a crap without a fag. (This gives them the license to fill the bathroom with smoke and make sure that it stays that way for at least 15 minutes. It also strengthens my hypothesis that that smokers lose control of their sphincters)

Fag 3: The morning cuppa/tea HAS to go with a fag. Only then do I manage to wake up fully and start the day’s work.

Fag 4,5 and 6: Each meal of the day must be accompanied by a fag because it helps digest my food(and maybe that is why you take ages in the toilet and need fags to build the pressure).

Fag 6 and 7(could be up to fag 15): While on breaks at work, I need a smoke or two to keep me going. The bigger the loser I am, the greater the frequency of my smoke-breaks.

Fag 8: I need a fag before I get home as that is the last fag of the day that I can have in peace. But that will not stop me from going to the terrace to have a quick smoke or two at night. Or maybe the toilet yet again, if the terrace if not private enough.

Fag 9: What is the terrace/bathroom for?

Fag 10: I can’t manage to fall asleep without a smoke. It need a smoke to put me to sleep. (This strengthens my hypothesis that smoking causes the brain to ooze out of your ears over a period of time. How else can people come up with such moronic excuses?!)

My response: You fucking prick, how can the same cigarette put you to sleep AND wake you up?! Stop giving lame-arse excuses, you piece of crap! I wish people would flush down the toilets, the morons who give such lame arse excuses for the sake of a few puffs, in the very same way that they flush down the cigarette butts after finishing their morning activities. It is just bloody lame!

Okay, I know that it might sound a bit too harsh and stuff considering the fact that I have friends who smoke, but I am not against all of them. There are many who respect non-smokers, and that is something that I deeply respect. If you know someone who has a problem with smoke, don’t smoke with him/her aroun no matter what. It is a proven fact that smoking affects passive smokers more than it affects the smokers themselves. Reason? For those of you who have remained ignorant of this fact for all these years, smokers don’t usually fill their lungs with all the harmful smoke that the cigarettes emit. But when they blow it out, we passive smokers breathe it all in. Meaning, the harmful contents reach all corners of our lungs, even though it doesn’t have the same effect on the smokers. And that is precisely the reason why parents are asked not to smoke when they are near their children. But then again, some people are total dunderheads, and they will never understand.

What do I tell my gym friends who keep smoking all day, everyday? “If you want to kill yourself, go ahead. But you bloody well don’t smoke and kill everyone around you!” If they really want to smoke and “enjoy” it all by themselves, let them go sit in closed air-tight rooms and smoke all they want till they breathe every last bit of the smoke. Making others breathe that smoke is just not fair! Like I said, kill yourself if you want to. Killing others is just NOT done!

Here are a few videos that I felt I must share. Nandhu, thanks for giving me some of the links right away. πŸ™‚

This next ad is on passive smoking.

This last one might be kind of gay, but it packs it many facts.

More coming up soon on the callous treatment of the issue of smoking by the government. It is funnier than it is sad, in that case, and I have photographs which prove how dumb the government of India is. More on that later. For now, let the debate begin! All you smoking dumb FOKs out there, bring it on! The comments section is waiting for you. πŸ˜›

Colleges and the Pains that Students Suffer

June 4, 2009

The past few days have been almost entirely about the Indian students in various parts of the world. In India and Australia, primarily. It started with the news of the racial discrimination against Indian students in Australia, and has now progressed to highlight the “capitation fee” scam in the private colleges in the country. For about a week now, people the world over have been hearing a lot about Indian students being ill treated in Australia(and some other parts of the world too), to such an extent that there have been several cases of murder, attempt to murder, suicide, etc. owing to these “racist” factors. It amuses me, in a way, because I thought it was something everyone knew about! Indians are not really given royal treatment in most parts of the world. Not even in India!

When people first spoke of the case Sravan Kumar, my reaction was: “not another case which will be forgotten in less than a week!” But I guess I was wrong. The reason being, several other such cases started to surface. Take for example the case of the 21-year-old Indian student who was slashed across his chest with a box-cutter knife, when he failed to give five Aussie men a few cigarettes and some petty cash. Now isn’t that something which people usually get to hear in the American suburbs?

Exactly my point!

Such things happen ALL the time EVERYWHERE! Just that this is one incident, a series of events, rather, which has managed to surface at the right time. Students are applying to universities and are completing their visa procedures at around this time of the year. Many Indian students will leave the country for their master’s in a couple of months from now. So I guess that is one reason why this has been taken seriously. Had the timing been any different, I seriously doubt if the reaction would have been of this magnitude. Many such news stories never surface.

Let us face it, racial discrimination goes on everywhere. The US, the UK, Canada, Australia, most of Europe, you name it! Though the degree varies from place to place, racism can be described as a “ubiquitous” phenomenon. My friend recently did his project in a very highly reputed college in the US. People would give their right hands for a seat in that college. And this friend of mine tells me that it is not just the students, but faculty and other scientists as well who have to face the brunt of racism. Most countries will deny such things before you can bat an eyelid, but sadly, this is the harsh reality.

Moving on, the next big news this week was about students having a tough time in colleges in India, especially in places like Chennai. A more recent development is the “capitation fees” scandal that has been “exposed” in a couple of medical colleges. Though there is a lot being spoken about in the news, all that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Almost all private colleges Each and every private college in India runs with the sole purpose of minting money for the owner(s). Medical colleges usually fetch the biggest sums, but the student intake is not very high. Engineering colleges get the biggest chunk of students, and so the “capitation fee/donation” is lower. Arts and science colleges have a smaller margin, but the infrastructure hardly costs much either, and so it is still a good bargain.

This whole episode started when a first year student from St. Joseph’s Engineering College committed suicide a few days ago when the college authorities “did not allow him to take his model exams(pre-final exams, towards the end of every semester), because he had cheated during the practical examinations.” Nothing wrong there, if you ask me. However, it goes without saying that the student would not have been allowed to appear in the semester exams conducted by Anna University either. The guy ended up committing suicide, and left behind 4 letters in his shirt pocket. Two of the letters are said to have been burnt by the college authorities upon being discovered. The two letters, according to witness accounts, spoke about the college. One other letter was addressed to the boy’s parents, and the last letter spoke about his reasons for having committed suicide. He urged the college to return the capitation fee his parents had paid because it would help his brother get a much needed ear operation, for which his parents had no way of raising funds. Sad, isn’t it?

The college authorities immediately came out strongly saying that any college would have taken strong action against students who resorted to malpractice in the exams. Fair enough. But the morons went on to say that they “had no intention of preventing the student from taking his semester exams because of such an offence, and that this misconception made him take the drastic step.” Why do I call them morons? Because guys from Jeppiaar Engieering College, a sister concern of St Joseph’s Engineering College, joined their brothers in the strike and brought out cases where 7 students were not given permission to take their semester exams! Not one or two, but 7!

I am really glad that many things have now come out in the open as a result of this controversy, but I feel sad that a student had to lose his life for some people to open their eyes. I find it amusing, because even now, the entire picture has not come out in the open. Colleges collect huge sums of money in the name of “donation/capitation fees” from the students in order to “reserve” seats. Confession: my parents had to shell out Four Lakh Rupees themselves in order to “reserve” a seat in Sathyabama. St Joseph’s and Sathyabama share a compound wall. All owned by the same guy, Jeppiaar, and run by his family. They have 6 Engineering colleges in all, apart from colleges of nursing, dental colleges and even an international school! The average going rate for an engineering seat last year was 4-6 Lakh, with some NRIs having to shell out as much as 12 Lakh for certain seats. And then the tuition fee is an additional 0.75 lakhs(at least) each year. And all this, for an Engineering college which openly refuses to follow the AICTE guidelines and is notorious in the student community! It is no surprise that Jeppiaar is rumoured to have an empire of well over 3,000 Crore! That is 30,000,000,000 Rupees!

My cousin studies in one of the medical colleges which were a part of the “expose.” Luckily for her, high level influence got her a seat without any capitation fee. How much did her classmates have to pay for their seats last year? The lowest was about 45 Lakh, and the highest was up to 75-80 Lakh! And this, just for an MBBS seat! Apparently, an MD in Radiology costs 2 Crore in the same college! Only hard-cash, by the way. THAT is how expensive Sri Ramachandra Medical College is! And there are several hundreds of such students who join each year! Not just that, all this cash is just the under-the-table transaction to book the seat. The actual “tuition fee” needs to be paid each year and that comes up to about 3.25 lakhs a year. Thankfully, at least that bit is declared openly and parents get a receipt, which can be declared which filing income tax returns.

Some students have parents who can handle that kind of money while others have to study using bank loans. But is all this worth it? ABSOLUTELY NOT! The faculty is usually pathetic. Infrastructure is as bad as bad can get. The faculty openly admit that no real practical knowledge can be gained in college because of the lack of infrastructure. Many students come to such colleges due to parental pressure or due to the government’s system which ensures that most deserving candidates don’t get seats in government colleges. It is not that government colleges are any better in terms of faculty or infrastructure, but at least there, there is no “capitation fee.”

And parents are still hell-bent on getting their wards admitted to some such engineering/medical college as they will be “ensuring a bright future” for their kids. Total BS! And now, as if the insane rules and regulations “exposed” last year were not enough, we have this capitation fee scam coming out in the open as well. Something else next year, I am sure. But still, we will find parents forming never-ending queues outside these colleges, even if their kids want to do some very different course like Psychology, Visual Communication or Literature. They know of all the evils and still don’t want to bring about a change. They don’t want to try and bring the evil practices in the open. They don’t want to get themselves in trouble. Why? Because they are “ensuring a bright future” for their kids! Bright, my arse! Effing cretins!

Friendships, Relationships and Screw Ups

May 27, 2009

Not knowing what your next blog post is going to be about is lousy. It is lousy because you end up writing nothing at times and that only makes you feel even worse. So anyway, I am back with another post, and I am hoping that this does me some good.

Seeing that half the bloggers write on “love” I thought that I should too. Or rather, the lack of it. πŸ˜› So here is how my story goes.

As a friend of mine would (wrongly) put it, I am a “pretty” guy. I don’t know if that is a good thing, but it does get a few girls to have a crush on me. Just that I am not interested in them. By them, I mean those girls alone, and NOT the entire sex! So do not go around assuming that I am gay. I am NOT! My friend BOBB might be, though. πŸ˜› (There is no content in BOBB’s blog, by the way)

When I was in school I used to HATE getting teased. But I used to be ruthless when it came to teasing my classmates. Gave some people nightmares too, I guess. πŸ˜€ And so, there were a LOT of people waiting for a chance to pull my leg. The only thing I could do to stay out of that was to keep myself clean. I worked so hard on it, that I would not let the rest of the people get to know about it if someone had a crush on me! I have no idea how I did it, but I would KNOW that someone had a crush on me, confront that person, and make sure that nothing came out! Well, they did, eventually, but I did not get my life screwed. I guess I was lucky, after all that I did to people.

But I guess it was after I came to Chennai in my 10th grade that I changed. I still used to pull people’s legs, but I started handling things differently. I stopped worring about getting my leg pulled. I learnt to look at it differently, and actually have more fun than the people trying to make fun. I would be nice to people, even if they had a crush on me, but I would give them my take on the issue at the very beginning. Meaning, I was very open about the fact that I was single but not really looking. Reason? I was(and still am) in no hurry to get into a relationship. I would make that clear to almost every girl I knew. It also made things a bit easier, because many girls have trust issues(and loads of attitude too :P). So once they are convinced that you are not trying to lay them, they actually talk to you freely. Besides, a very good friend of mine has told me that I make a pathetic flirt. In my defense, I never tried to or had the need to flirt. Why would a guy flirt with a girl if he did not want to have anything to do with her? So maybe that has its advantages. People know that you are not trying to flirt, and talk to you more freely. They trust you with everything. And maybe that is the reason why I have had quite a few friends of the opposite sex, with some of them being my closest friends ever(and yes, I am still single! Go on, tell me that I suck).

So if a person tells you that he is not interested in you and will, in all probability, never be interested in you, that is what it is supposed to mean, right? It is easy to tell if a person is lying about something like this. Because excess salivation is almost always a giveaway, and the eyes will not be focussed on the girl’s face if a guy is trying to lie about not wanting anything of “that” sort from a girl. πŸ˜›

So having said that, I guess my intentions are pretty clearly established.

I have had a few friends who played party to playing a few pranks on people. As in, where we would act like we were in a relationship(and totally in luuuurve), just for the fun of it, or to get rid of other “pests” who were bugging the girl(s) in question. It is always awesome fun initially. But it is later that things go wrong. At least, it has in most cases so far. In one case, the people who were at the recieving end of the prank took things a bit too seriously. And because a huge gang of friends was involved, things turned nasty. I can’t go into the details now, but it ended with our having a fight with almost all the others because they said/did nasty things. It was real fun initially, even the dirty fight bit, but when the dust settled, the sad reality was obvious. So that did not end well.

In a few other cases things turned out to be pretty different, but much along the lines which most people would expect. Try playing a prank that you are going out and one ends up falling for the other. Thankfully, I was not the victim of the fall. But unfortunately, it ends up spoiling the friendship. I moved my way and they moved theirs. But no, not all have ended. However, the “feeling” is tough to get rid of. I usually try talking it out with the person. If that does not work, I stay away for a short while and get back to being friends once the girl realises what is possible and what is not. Not a very pleasant way, but it usually helps. In yet another case a friend ended up becoming a bit too close and possessive and would expect me to be “my same old self” even if I were having the worst and most hectic month of my life. There is only so much that you can explain. Sending an SMS every now and then, and talking for hours on the phone is not a possibility when you are having crap to handle from all quarters, right? Besides, there are those times when you want to just be able to handle all your things by yourself. People need to give you your space then. Sadly, that was not to be.

So what I have learnt from experience is that go ahead and play pranks if you want to, but be careful. Be VERY VERY careful. It might end up screwing more than just your friendship. It might cause a chain of events and the dog living down your street might die of an accident and it will all be because of the genius in you who decided to play a prank! I will elaborate on that in another post. πŸ˜› But that does not mean that I will stop playing such pranks. There are still people out there who can play such pranks, keep it well within limits and have an awesome time. It is fun to humour others, and humour yourself too once in a while. And this, I feel, is one of the best ways to do that.

Anyway, I am 22, a model, and have still not been in any relationship so far. What am I waiting for? HoweverΒ  filmy/stupid it might sound, I am waiting to find “the one.” I have always been against relationships which don’t last. And “love at first sight” is the phrase coined by an imbecile lothario/nymphomaniac who has never been in love, but has wanted to get laid more often than not. I am not for “trying out” to see if a relationship will work. I would rather I waited for a few more years to see if I manage to find “the one.” If not, I guess I can fall back on the age old tradition of arranged marriages. πŸ˜› Not that I am for it, though. [Amma, if you are reading this, don’t get any ideas, and stop asking me a million questions! I refuse to answer any!] πŸ˜›

I really must add one more bit about myself here. It might get some people to hate me, but I have never really cared about that. πŸ˜› So yeah, it is very common to see guys running behind girls, desperate to have a “girlfriend.” Even if the only perk is to be able to claim that he has a girl. This makes them desperate. I have seen several instances, and I must admit that they put ALL guys to shame. Especially in a place like Chennai where there are way too many deperate guys and hardly a few girls worth looking at. And because of this, guys are turned on by anything even remotely feminine! A friend of mine once told me, “even cows in Chennai look better than the girls in Trichy.” And this dear friend of mine lives up to expectations till date. He continues to oggle at anything and everything with a “feminine” tag attached to it. And girls take advantage of this. ALL the time! Even a typical “attu figure” in Chennai has an attitude the size of the Himalayas! And that is what I would like to address. There are a few guys who manage to get the girls go weak in their knees. So is there anything wrong if those few guys decide to show some “attitude” as well? If thousands of guys can be made to struggle in the girl chase(never tasting success), let the few guys with the opportunity make at least a few girls sweat it out and fail. What do I mean? If you are a girl and you think I am worth being “your guy,” I don’t think so. πŸ˜› If I do have a change of mind, I will get back to you on that. But the chances are slim to none. πŸ˜€ πŸ˜› If you still feel like trying, add my Facebook and Twitter accounts. You will be an addition to the 1400-odd friends that I already have on Facebook. πŸ˜›

Ads- Cute, Funny, Meaningful and Brilliant!

May 23, 2009

No long post this time. Just a set of ads from YouTube which I thought I could share. There are hundreds of ads and videos that I really like- some cute, some laugh-out-loudy funny, some with very strong social messages, some sarcastic as hell and some for the patriotic message that they convey. Though there are several such videos that I would like to share, I will not put them all up here at once. Just a few. Not the best, I guess, but good ones nevertheless. Please be patient for the entire page to load as there are a few videos that WordPress needs to load from YouTube.

Starting with a cute ad first.

Though there are several ads which are really cute, I like this one because it has a good social message, and I respect that.

The next one is one of the first few sports ads that I saw which made me grin ear-to-ear towards the end.

One of the social awareness/patriotic ads which really made me bow down to the creators was this one. An amazing ad which really did move me. Public service ads like this one are rare. VERY rare. It is in Hindi, and so those of you who do not understand Hindi might not get half of what the ad says. The main chorus line says “You walk and India will walk.” Basically urging the people to lead by example and play their roles as responsible citizens. I can confidently say that this is the most motivational ad that I have seen. And I know many who agree with me on that.

There is also this ad that my friend made for a competition on YouTube, to raise awareness on climate change and the need to stop global warming. 8 more days to go for the end of the competition. Please do rate this particular video on YouTube, and favourite it too. It can help her go a long way in the competition.

And now for some funny stuff.Β  I leave you with three ads. Like I said earlier, there might be other ads which funnier, but these are just a few to get started. Hope you like them.

The last one, especially, is awesome. I wonder how people come up with such brilliant and hilarious ideas. Anyway, hope you liked all the ads here. These are just a few ads that I felt like sharing at the moment. If you feel there are others that are even better, please do post the links in the comments section for all of us to check them out immediately.

Spam, Perverts, Pinkies, Bans, “BRING BACK” Groups: Facebook

May 22, 2009

“Warning: Your Facebook Account

Facebook to me

Hi,

Our systems indicate that you’ve been misusing certain features on the site. Β This email serves as a warning. Β Misuse of Facebook’s features or violating Facebook’s terms of use may result in your account being disabled. Β Thanks in advance for your understanding and cooperation.

If you have any questions, please contact warning@facebook.com from your login email address.

The Facebook Team”

That is the mail which I happened to notice in my gmail inbox yesterday. A very sad moment indeed. A day before I got that mail, I had got the “pinky” while accessing my Facebook inbox. For those of you who are not familiar withΒ  Facebook’s “pinky,” it is the warning that you get when you are accused of suspicious activity by facebook and it asks you to “slow down.” Some of us active members of Facebook call it the “pinky” because it has a pink background and though pink is a very harmless colour, that warning is enough to stop any FB member dead on his/her tracks.

So why do people get pinkies on FB? Well, from what I have seen, these are the most common reasons:

1. Sending too many messages to people/FB groups.

2. Writing on the walls of way too many people/writing too much on a few people’s walls.

3. Excessive picture comments.

4. Posting too many links too often on your status message(Maybe this did me in).

5. Getting reported by other members for illegal activities.

There might be other reasons, but these are the common ones which I have noticed. So yeah, over the past 2 weeks, I have noticed a few friends getting blocked, and a lot many more friends getting pinkies. It is just plain sad. From what we hear, FB authorities are being very strict for a while now because of some phishing scam that Facebook is now being threatened by. You can find more details about the phishing scam here.

What I find unfair about this whole thing is that many of us active FB users, who are very active on a few applications and groups, are the ones who are most affected by such stupid attempts at sabotaging FB and its users’ accounts. Here is an example of the kind of “suspicious” conversations people have.

Person 1:
YAHOOO
back in da house after long time

Person 2:
Pipipipipipipipipi!

Person 3:
p0o !

Person 4:
booooooooooooooooooooo

Person 3:
dangggg!
u scared us 0ff uncle picchu!

Person 5:
CF with JAYCHOU Lifted.

Person 6:
=P

Person 5:
End page for nuzri.

Now just how harmful/suspicious do you think those conversations are? For one, they don’t even make any sense! And FB disables people for saying stuff like that to each other all the time! Here is another example:

> Bom Boom

>damn i juz notice d title :/

> Damm
I just noticed that u are here\

> Is he good, Raj ? :p

> is he a she

> Dunno man, you tell us. “it” is giving you the blow, check check.

> who is giving chris a blow? ;O

> ?

> Som1 freaky is justgonna give

> ? :S

> lol confused again.. :p

> Good confussing will make u concertrate at this message more

> haha, yea thats true lol

> We Jump, We Explode, We Sak. While Izzy gives Raj a blow. :o/

> why dont u give chris a blow? :p

> -___-”

Very suspicious indeed! πŸ˜›

So we choose to have some fun, but FB decides to block people who are having fun with the excuse that people are indulging in “suspicious and illegal acivities, and maybe misusing the features of Facebook!”

One of our beloved and perverted(! :P) friends got disabled less than two days ago. There are people screaming their throats hoarse asking FB to return his account. And this is just one of the many occurances. I just checked the number of group invites that I have on FB. Of the 73 group invites that I now have, 42 are “GET BACK someone!” groups. And barring 2-3 of them, almost all of them deserve to be brought back. Yes, there are some freaks who use several fake profiles in FB in order to use them all in applications and make some fake cash, but that is not the case with most people who get blocked.

The worst part is when you get blocked/disabled without any warning. Like in the case of our dear perverted friend, Dakshitha. Agreed that he is a noob in every sense, but he still does not deserve to have his account taken away from him. Some posts from the wall of the “Bring Back Dakshitha Gunasekara” group:

Sanjay Ramanathan wrote
at 9:48am yesterday
Get Dakshita Back on Facebook NOW!!!
He’s a Wonderful Person!!
I’m sure He did not possess any Drugs, or the Weapons of Mass destruction!!! πŸ˜‰

Dwayne J Beckles (Barbados) wrote
at 9:46am yesterday
no more pervert??

Shankaranarayanan Pichumani wrote
at 12:37am yesterday
stop the ass whipping give his butt back to him. v need our pervy perverson

Samuel Tan wrote
at 9:06pm on May 20th, 2009
Told you not to distribute porn in fb. u see!! Bring him back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[In his defence, he did not distribute porn. He just watched too much, but not on FB. :P]

Kristin Jacobs Leis wrote
at 7:29pm on May 20th, 2009
BRING BACK THE PORN KING!!!! LOL jk…please bring back respectable Dash…hmmm just bring back Dash please!!!!!

So yeah, this is the kind of stuff that goes on on a daily basis. Respectable (er, okay, I take that back) people keep getting blocked/disabled on a daily basis and some never get it back. There are even cases where some have had to create over 7 or 8 accounts as FB is totally in love with their accounts and keeps snatching the accounts on a weekly/monthly basis.

I have no idea what the point of this blog is. If you do, and have something to say in this regard, please use the comments section. πŸ˜›

Oh! Actually, I think I DO know the point. Freaks in Facebook, if you are reading this, STOP disabling people’s accounts for no joy! You SAK! Yes, SAK!

Noob Blogger’s Guide to Blogging for Fellow Noob Bloggers

May 21, 2009

This author has a few friends who have been wanting to blog, but have not got around to doing so as yet. Upon seeing the not-so-bad number of hits that this blog got as soon as the author started blogging, they started asking the author how he went about things. So here is a guide to those wannabe bloggers from a novice in the blogosphere.

Step 1: Join social networking sites like Facebook, Orkut, Myspace, etc.. If possible, join all of them.

Step 2: If on Orkut, go join communities which are very active and make friends there. Add all you school, college and work friends as well. Your list should have at least 400 people. On Facebook, add applications which have people addicted to it. The more the addicts, the better. In thousands, preferably. The author would suggest applications like iTNT, Fighters’ Club, Mafia, Friends For Sale, etc.. Make many friends there and add all the people you can. Make sure your list has at least 1000-1500 people.

Step 3: Talk! Yes, talk to as many people as you can. Might take months for you to get to know people well enough. But make sure you waste your time getting to know them. Remember, it is for the blog that you have not created yet! πŸ˜›

Step 4: Fight! Yeah, make enemies. When you start blogging, they will check your blog more often than your friends will. You call them stalkers or nosy creeps when they keep checking your profiles each day? You will stop complaining when they check out your blog every day. You get one hit from each of them daily! πŸ˜› So don’t hesitate before you make enemies in the virtual world. Your blog thrives on their encouragement. πŸ˜€

Step 5: Use every chat messenger that you know of. Remember, each chat messenger has a “status message” option. Your blogs name is almost always your status message once you start blogging. Stopped using that old gmail ID of yours on gtalk because you have a few hundred friends there who you don’t talk to anymore? Get back there! Your blog needs those old friends of yours.

Step 6: Create a blog.

*YAYYYYY!*

Step 7: Write some post about all the friends you got to know through social networking sites. Make it funny, if you can. Make sure you please everyone.

Step 8: Don’t blindly follow step 7. Please only those who deserve to be pleased. If you have sworn enemies, make sure you insult them. Insulting them will get you not just their views, but views from their friends, friends-of-friends and sidekicks(seriously!) as well.

Step 9: Once you have come up with some post which will interest others, use your social networks. Add your blog link to your profile. Change your status and let it always have the link to your latest post. Spam the team/admin threads that you have(you better have some by now) on Facebook and threaten all your friends and make sure that they check out your blog. This part is called “being the pest.”

Step 10: Use all your chat messengers’ status messages to scream about your blog all the time. Keep updating status messages every few hours on Facebook and Orkut as well. People actually notice it! LOADS of them!

Step 12: Follow step 11. Wait a second, there is no step 11! Did you look below yet? The author has is his numbers all screwed up. Don’t trust a word that he says.

Step 11: Remember that numbers have nothing to do with words.

Step 14: Get in touch with all your own friends. Apologise for not having stayed in touch for ages. You deserve the abuses that you get anyway, just like the author deserves what he got from some friends.

Step 15: Did you see that step 13 was missing? It is because the author wants to prove that he believes in bad omen and is a saintly being. Stop laughing already! Even he doesn’t believe himself when he says that. But there are some who might fall for it. So a decent effort nevertheless.

Step 17: When you come up with a post, come up with a million tags for each of them. Anything and everything remotely connected(or totally unconnected) to your post can work as a tag. Some might say that this is a dumb thing to do, but it gets you a decent number of search hits. Check out the tags for this post if you want to get an idea. Actually, don’t. Some of the tags are pretty cheap.

Step 16: Add upcoming bloggers to your blogroll and a few famous ones as well. Make sure you comment on many blogs regularly. This part is called “arse kissing.” The author is against this practice and that is why he is still a spamming his arse off each day he posts something new. He will never learn. He has too big an ego, as confirmed by some of the people who hate him. But they keep checking his blog regularly, and that is good enough, right?

Step 18: Aren’t you tired of following all these steps already? You need to go get a life now! Not a blog!

Step 19: If you believe that you already have a life, and are still not interested in blogging, but are only here to read all this, you are still helping the author’s blog. So keep coming back for more! And stop complaining about the obvious attempts by the author to prove that his Math sucks.

Step 20: And before you decide to do anything else, make sure you check out this video and rate it with a 5 on 5. And favourite it as well. Post your comments too, actually. This step will not help your blog(if you have one, that is) but it will help a girl who has struggled hard to make the video in less than 24 hours. And she blogs too. You help her and she will help you with your blog(when you manage to follow the first 18 steps, that is). She promised to help! I will make sure that she does. I promise

Step 21: There is no step 21.

Step 22: Can there be a step 22 without a step 21? The author’s Math sucks. And he doesn’t stick to him promises either. So please ignore those bits. And also the bit where the author gave the link to Fathima’s video 6 times. Okay, now make that 7. And if you still haven’t seen the video, rated it with a 5/5 and commented on it, you SAK! Yes, SAK! Go do it NOW before the author uses WordPress’ IP tracer to come kick your butt in the virtual world.

If you have any other dumb suggestions to add to the lame ones the author already posted, please post them in the comments section. Lazy? SAKer! The comments section is HERE! Pfft!

Climate Change: Stop it NOW!

May 18, 2009

A friend of mine has entered a YouTube ad competition. The objective was to make a 30-60 second long ad on climate change/global warming, within a 48-hour period. She set out to make this ad on the first day, and realised after a whole day of shooting that there was a technical problem with the camera, and all that what she had shot all day had been lost. So once again she set out to shoot the whole thing on the second day, with less than 24 hours to make the complete ad. She did quite a good job, I feel. It is not easy to shoot the whole thing, record the sounds, do the editing and then incorporate the competition requirements, all in less than a day. I must say that I would be very proud if it were my work.

Please do check out the video here. And do rate it too.

Anyway, are you hydrophobic by any chance? Is drowning your worst nightmare?

Or instead, do you love swimming? While having an awesome time in the pool have you ever wished that it would last forever?

Well, your worst nightmare, or the dream that you craved for, might just come true if things go on this way. Well, not immediately, but in the course of the next few decades. If you are the hydrophobic type, you will drown in the water which will leave you no place to stay in. And if you are one of those who love water, well, you will stop loving it, as all around you, you will have nothing but polluted sea water. And you will have no place to swim to. You can swim all you want then. Till you decide to drown yourself. And trust me, you WILL want to drown yourself then.

Over the past decade, each year has figured in the “top 25 warmest years of all time.” Now for those of you who want to get a slight tan, this might sound encouraging. But it is not. According to the NRDC, “Hot, dry weather led to a record-setting 2006 wildland fire season with close to 100,000 fires reported and nearly 10 million acres burned, 125 percent above the decade’s average.” Now why would you be bothered about the burning wildlands, right? WRONG! You NEED to be bothered about the burning wildlands. YOU need to realise that this is a dangerous trend. And YOU need to do your bit to stop this from happening.

Another interesting point that I noticed was this: “scientists reported that some polar bears are drowning because they have to swim longer distances to reach ice floes – they’re now being considered for listing under the Endangered Species Act.” And you thought YOU could swim all you wanted and have fun? Polar bears are becoming extinct because they can’t swim long enough to survive. How can we humans? And no Noah’s Ark will save people then. Because the Ark is supposed to keep people safe while the deluge lasts. Not forever!

“Greenland holds 10 percent of the total global ice mass. If it melts, sea levels could increase by up to 21 feet.”

Now how bad could 21 feet be? You live in a high-rise apartment complex and should be safe, right? Wrong again! Your entire country will be under water! You might live 200 feet above the ground, but if you are hungry, the pizza delivery boy is not going to take a flight before he knocks on your window! You will die either of starvation, or while trying to take a dive from your window to have a nice swim.

As my friend Fathima very rightly put it, “above the terrorist threats and epidemics hangs a Bigger Damocles Sword – Climate Change.” Yes, that is very true, however absurd it might sound to you right now.

So what can we do? I would obviously not say cliched stuff like “stop using air-conditioners, stop driving vehicles, use only alternative sources of power, conserve power, stop celebrating Diwali, etc..” I don’t agree with some of those cliched “ways of stopping global warming” myself. I remember having heard a joke ages ago about taking bath with the neighbour’s daughter in order to conserve water. Now come to think of it logically. Would that not mean spending more time in the shower? More time in the shower = more water consumed = makes no sense. Wouldn’t a quick 5 minute shower, all by yourself, do the trick instead? Perverted minds do no good. Are you listening, kids? πŸ˜›

Car pooling is a very sensible way of battling fuel consumption. I have seen that it works. And many organisations encourage car pooling. Considering the fact that it is not not uncommon in Chennai itself, I am sure that the rest of the world knows about it. I feel it makes a lot of sense. Besides, you don’t have to drive all by yourself to work/school each day.

Use air-conditioners, but make sure that you don’t have them on all the time for no reason. The increase in temperature(if you did not know, air-conditioners make you room cool, but everything outside it hot, Dumbo!) is killing people the world over! Come to think of it, people are dying due to heat waves! I have read articles about people in the UK dying because of temperatures of 28 and 30 degrees Celcius! Okay, so what if that is the temperature that we have in Chennai during winters? So what if people in Africa would love their lives if they had temperatures as less as 28 degree Celcius, people in the UK still die! Okay, people in the rest of the world are dying of heatwaves too. Only, at temperatures of 40-50 degrees Celcius or more. But there are still deaths. MANY of them!

Anyway, my point is, the effects of global warming are obvious to us. The change for the worse is gradual, because nature fights such changes. But nature is fighting a losing battle. And we are the ones responsible for most of it. And if things need to change, we need to do our bit too. I know that this part sounds very cliched, but though people around the world keep saying this time and again, there is little that is being done about it. I know that there is a LOT that I am not doing myself. I need to work harder. But it will be easier if you lend a helping hand as well. Together, WE can make a greater difference.

Now stop giving me weird looks and calling me a freak of nature! Go check out Fathima’s ad on youtube and rate it as well. (Pssst! Give it a 5! :P) Please do post your comments on the ad there. You will have to sign up on YouTube if you are not already a member there. Please do sign up if you haven’t already. She needs your encouragement in the form of hits and comments in just as my blog does. So post your views on this issue here too, please.